The Game of Life…The Goads of Life
Did you ever play the Game of Life when you were a kid? My friend Angie and I played it all the time. I remember a couple of things in particular about my strategies…
1. I wanted to be and/or marry a doctor or lawyer. They made the big bucks ($50K! WOW!). Is anyone else laughing about that?
2. I wanted to have so many children I needed two of the cars. I loved it when that happened! I mean com’on…if I’m making $50 grand I can afford as many children as I want, right?
Other than those two things I just wanted to win I guess. In reality I think most people have a general idea of what they want in life. Whether it’s fame, wealth, happiness, or health we all want the best. Some of us are born leaders, some born servants. It takes all to make this world happen. I know I have had many ideas of what my life might look like over the years.
Throughout elementary school I felt I was destined to be a movie star. I could see myself on the big screen and loved the thought of living in Hollywood. I shared this vision with a good friend, Stacy (see #51). In fact, I’ll never forget what she wrote in my 4th grade yearbook, “We’ll always be together-in Hollywood that is!” We truly felt that we could be discovered and that we would make it in the industry. I starred in every play possible growing up and to this day I dream of being in just one movie. Just one. Who knows, maybe someday…
Besides the dream of fame I always knew I wanted to be a mother and wife. (Although if I had never married I believe I would have joined the FBI or CIA…truly. I would have rocked at it too, but that’s another story.) I have always known that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother, just like my mom was. She influenced every aspect of my life and was always there. Fresh cookies after school, being the home-room mom, gentle awakenings in the morning to great breakfasts, and home-cooked dinners every night…this was my wonderful childhood and what I have always planned on giving my children. Ahhh…my children…that’s where this story is going.
Yes, I’m ready for kids…that’s nothing too new and we are finally in a good place to have kids and that is something new. However, the method of which our family comes has been on my mind. My husband was adopted and we’ve always known we wanted to adopt someday. It was pretty much a given for us. We had a tentative plan to have a few kids, probably 3 and then adopt 1. (Yes, I still want that large family.) But now I’m wondering if that is what God has in HIS plan. You see the topic of adoption keeps coming up at every turn. It seems like every blog I click on is about a family who is adopting or just did and every other person I meet is adopted. This is been going on for a couple of months now and has been constantly on my heart and mind.
It just seems like I’m being goaded more and more in this direction. If you aren’t familiar with the word ‘goad’ go here. The Bible says that the words of wise men are like goads (Ecclesiastes 12:11). I’m not saying I’ve been advised by the wise on this subject but I do believe God uses goads in our lives. And for me I’m wondering if He isn’t goading me since this has been brought consistently to the forefront of my mind. Could God be using all of these occurrences to change my heart? I think so. Tonight we talked about having 1 or 2 kids naturally and then adopting the rest. I have to admit though I’m a bit scared. What is God is preparing me in case we can’t have children the ol’fashioned way? What if this is what it’s all about? I’ve gotta tell you that I’ve always dreamed of being pregnant and how much I would love it and of breastfeeding and what a special experience that is. I don’t want to miss these things but why is my heart being pulled on so strongly? We have no reason to believe that we can’t have children but the thought just keeps invading my mind. I just don’t know what He’s doing but I do know I will give Him praise in all situations (easier said than done, of course). Here are a few things that could possibly be considered goads.
1. Husband is adopted.
2. Nannied for adopted girl. (This was a really defining moment for us as a couple and probably one of the solidifying reasons we have chosen to adopt at some point, besides the fact that Mr. N is adopted.)
3. One of my dear friends gave up a child for adoption at age 14. I met her about a year and a half ago. The day she told me her story I located her daughter within a few hours (both had searched for one another but to no avail). They now have a great friendship and are quite close. It was obviously a “God thing” that I found her daughter, but why did God use me?
4. Consistently (I’m talking about a near-daily basis here) I’m coming across more people who are and or have adopted. This is happening through blogs as well a few in person.
I don’t want to read into things that aren’t there but it has just been a pretty strong weight on my heart. I discussed it for the first time with my husband tonight over dinner. Other than that I’ve not mentioned it to anyone until now. I really wanted to wait a while before broaching the subject, even with him. He’s all for it either way, he just has a lot of love to give to kids. We did decide we’d like to adopt from several countries if possible. We have always talked about China (that’s where my former charge was from) and feel pretty strongly that China is one of the countries where we will find one of our children. However, we think it would be pretty amazing to have some children from a few places. A rainbow of skin. That’s what our family may look like.
And while I get very excited thinking about all of this there is a HUGE part of me that wants at least 1 natural child. I have some health issues but none that I know of that would prevent me from conceiving and/or carrying to term. So, I’m left with a mix of fear and excitement. Fear of the unknown (and perhaps many if not most women have the fear of being unable to have children) and excitement for all that the future holds. I know that if God’s plan does not include natural children He will change the desires of my heart. After all, Psalm 37: 4 says, “Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart” This leaves only one answer for me; to pray for His will. I pray I will find my joy through His plans alone and I know that He will change my heart if need be. At the end of the day I just want to do my part to love people like Christ loves us.
I remember telling my father when I was younger that I really felt God was going to use me to do some amazing things in the world. This didn’t mean I’d be well-known or looked up to by multitudes, it just meant that I knew God had a very unique plan for me. I still believe that. Perhaps this is one of the amazing things God has laid out for me to do. To adopt is a great and noble calling but the praise should be given only to God. For He gives us the love to do this and He set the example when He adopted us into His family. Maybe this is just another way in which I can try to become more like Him. Maybe my fears are unwarranted. Maybe I can’t even begin to see His plan.
Nixon: Now More Than Ever 