Introducing Word Therapy. Take a seat.

Friday, October 26, 2007 at 1:52 am (Big Business, Get outta town!, Lessons Learned, Murmurs from the Future, Word Therapy)

Well…get ready people, because I am about to unload on you. The last few weeks have been difficult at best and I feel that I am finally to the point of just laying it all out there. As you have probably figured out by now…I am not a shy person. I have no problem talking about life’s nitty-gritty aspects. If you have a problem reading about them…well…this post has been given a PG-13 rating for adult themes; main theme being life. Consider yourself warned.

So, as some of you may be aware James and I are ready to start a family. Fewer of you know that I have taken anti-depressants for the amount of time it takes to grow a teenager. For the past 12 or 13 years (somewhere in there) I have relied on these meds to give my emotions a sense of balance and normalcy. I believe it was in my sophomore year of high school that I started the meds after my family and I realized that I was battling some serious depression. Let me clarify one thing before we go too much further: my cause of depression is completely physical and unfortunately the only way to combat it is through medication. I don’t go to therapy and have never had the need for it. Please know that I am not trying to set myself above others; those for whom therapy is needed. I’m simply explaining the condition so that you can better understand it. My depression is hereditary and stems most likely from other health issues of mine (adult growth hormone deficiency, hypothyroidism).

Okay, back to my point. For the past 12 or 13 years I have been able to be the “real” me with the help of medicine. While I have switched antidepressants countless times during this period, NEVER have I been completely off of them. Until now. Those of you who have similar issues can probably guess just how fun my life is right now. A blast. Please-I love being an emotional wreck. Okay…perhaps not.

I started weaning off the meds a few weeks ago so that we can start trying for our family. And while there are medications out there that are considered “safe” to use during pregnancy, I am trying my best to go it without them. At least until we get past the first trimester. I want to make the best possible decisions for our child and if I can handle life without the antidepressants, well, gosh! I’m going to do it! Of course, like others who are trying to conceive, we have no idea how long it will take. BUT-I will tell you…after having to go through the horrible withdraws of getting off the medications…I’m going to stay off for as long as possible. Hopefully we’ll conceive quickly. Okay…let’s get a bit more specific about my life right now, shall we?

MY WITHDRAWAL

To all of you who once knew me. Yes, I’m still alive. No, I didn’t quit church or the gym. And yes, it is possible that the woman you saw who somewhat resembled me but heavier…it may have been me. Ugh.

So-let’s move through this quickly. I’ve been sick. Similar to having the flu…I’m tired (really exhausted. Anything earlier than about 1pm is getting up early), sick at my stomach, having hot/cold flashes, mood swings faster than any ride at Six Flags (God bless James, remember him in your prayers), and hunger to rival that of a third-world country. That my friends has been life for the past few weeks. These are the reasons that I have not returned your phone calls (sweet though they are), have not been at church (say “Jesus” and I’ll start crying, I promise) and haven’t been to the gym or to my training group (miss you girls). However, I have been seen on the junk food isle of the grocery store. You just gotta know where to look, folks!

Okay-so that’s seems like more fun than I need, right? No? Oh…okay. Let’s add to it.

THE DOCTOR’S PHONE CALL

A few weeks back (same time I started getting off the meds) I went to the OBGYN to get a check-up and talk about starting our family. Since I said that we were pursuing pregnancy the doctor automatically did blood work to check my various hormone levels. Okay, that’s nice. Let’s just make sure everything is in order. I really had no worries. My sister, who has almost identical health issues to me just had her second child. No problems with anything either time. I truly envisioned the same for me. Even though I have worried in the past that God was preparing me for infertility through my desire for adoption, I really didn’t think there was a chance I’d be infertile. I just chalked it up to being a normal woman’s fear. That’s normal, right? I mean, my life’s ambition has always been to be a wife and mother. Well…WHAM.

So, I got a call from the doctor’s office (it was actually the nurse) who asked me if I had talked to the doctor about a medicine called Clomid. “No, I have not but I do know what it is (it’s a medicine that helps women to ovulate when they don’t do it naturally. It has a horrible reputation of causing SEVERE mood swings. I figure I can produce those well enough on my own. I DON’T want any assistance, thank you very much). What are you telling me?” She proceeds to tell me that I’m not ovulating. WHAT? How can this be? My cycle is normal and near down-to-the-day predicable. Why am I even having one if I’m not ovulating? What a waste! Seriously…if I’m not ovulating, I don’t want a period! How unfair!

After hearing this (and remember, I’m already in a super emotional state from my lack of drugs) I lose it. I cry and cry and proceed to cry a bit more. Bless my husband’s heart, he does his best with me and I continue crying. Somehow I make it to the next day without flooding our apartment. On this day I call my mother and cry some more and she quickly reassures me that we are not in a place to worry yet. Labs can be wrong, tests can be done on wrong days etc etc. She definitely makes me feel better.

Okay, so now I’m to the point of “the doctor could be wrong…we’ll wait and see” and that is fitting me pretty well for the time being. I can get through this and will. Thus…I began praying for a miracle. You can pray too.

This was last week. Let’s keep going.

THIS WEEK

Tuesday morning comes and my husband received a call to go into work. It was his day off but his partner was sick so being the team-player that he is…he sacrificed and went in. About 2 hours later he is on his way back home from the office. For good. He was downsized.

Now, I could say a lot right here and probably get pretty nasty. But-I’m not going to. I could suggest some things that may or may not be true about his former company but I won’t. Mind you-it’s for his sake. Not because I’m exceptionally classy when it comes to things like this because to be honest…you mess with me, my family or my friends and I can get pretty rough. Not proud of it…I just know it’s true. I’m just loyal through and through. I defend those I love. It’s just part of me. But I won’t because he wouldn’t want me to. He’s got a maturity when it comes to situations like this that I have yet to possess.

Well, needless to say…this just elevated the stress level from orange to red. I don’t work so James is the provider; a great one at that. But life is interesting…I just ordered a bunch of photography equipment for the new business. Can’t cancel it because the supply and demand factor is too great. If I did cancel it now there is a chance I wouldn’t be able to get my hands on the stuff for another 6 months or so and I’m not willing to risk it.

So…one door has been definitively closed. Now we’re looking for the open window. And…we may have found it. The day after James was let go he received a call for an interview with a very well-known builder. He had sent in his resume on Tuesday…call came on Wednesday. That interview is happening today at 10:30 am. (It’s currently 1:30 am but I got the urge to write and couldn’t resist it. This is the first time I’ve stayed up late in weeks.)

What’s interesting is that for some time we’ve wondered if he should move on to a better company but really had no idea how business was going for other companies. He’s in new home sales so I’m sure you know what that means in today’s market. Well, it looks like God has decided that it is indeed time to move on and so that’s what we’re doing. Same industry, different builder. We simply pray that things progress quickly. A lot of times the interview process is rather long and drawn-out but we do know that God is in control.

SO WHAT NOW?

We may be heading to Arkansas tomorrow (today, really) after his interview to go and spend a few days with my family (Big YAY!). James hasn’t gotten to go up since Memorial Day since he normally works weekends and hasn’t met our newest niece Leah yet. We want to just get away and relax and leave all that is normal life in Texas for the weekend.

When we do get back I plan on posting some things that I’ve been meaning to for the past few weeks but haven’t felt up to doing. These include pictures of Leah (and Elenna, of course), pics from my 10 year high school reunion and a post dedicated to Don, Amie and PF Changs, complete with…you guessed it…more pictures! We’ll see what happens.

Anyway, thank you dear WordPress for providing me with an outlet to unburden myself while wasting away hours that should be spent curled up in bed next to my husband. And readers…if you’ve made it this far you’re to be commended. This was an overly long and drawn-out post and sadly…I gave you the reader’s digest (very) condensed version. And to top it all off…I’m not even going to proof it. I’m too tired. Mistakes will be corrected at a later date. Deal with it.

And now…I’m going to bed. Goodnight all.

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Is it November yet?

Monday, October 22, 2007 at 5:58 pm (Big Business, Murmurs from the Future)

‘Cause I’m REALLY wanting my camera. Patience is not this woman’s virtue so long as her creative longings are being suppressed. Come, my little sweet, come.

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More Wedding Pictures!

Friday, October 19, 2007 at 1:29 pm (Fun Times, Love Sweet Love)

Thank you again Fran! Here’s 3 more pictures! I’ll bet you never realized just how HOT my husband is…but really, I don’t understand why you couldn’t tell from this picture! Honestly, some people have no vision what-so-ever.

By the way, did I mention to you that I absolutely LOVED my wedding? BEST DAY EVER! Well, now you know!

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Four years

Thursday, October 18, 2007 at 5:41 pm (Fun Times, Love Sweet Love)

ago today I surprised the man I was marrying with this song during our wedding. Unfortunately, I can’t sing but fortunately for others I know it. However, I can play a bit of piano…so a friend sang as I played and my love stood watching and shocked nearby. I’ve always hated playing the piano in public but made this exception for him. The song may be a bit sappy but it all came from the heart. Writing was nothing new to me but I had never before put my words to music. I guess I just needed some inspiration. Lucky for me it came in the form of Edward James Nixon IV. So, in case you weren’t there…here’s a bit from our wedding day…

From the first time I saw you and I looked into your eyes
I could see your soul behind them, and then I realized
That this dream that I’d been chasing; this love I couldn’t find
was standing right before me, speaking the words that were in my mind
(CHORUS)
And we were made for this moment
when time is standing still
holding on together
we know what we will weather
but through it all remains
our forever love.
In my dreams I can picture just how our life will be
no, we won’t be rich or famous but that’s alright with me
Just a hard-working man, standing by his faithful wife
first a child then another
now a father and a mother
(CHORUS)
I’m sure the years will go by quickly and steady we’ll remain
giving thanks to the Good Lord and enjoying our new names…
hearing “Grandma and Grandpa, can you tell us ’bout your life?”
and then we’ll share our little story
of a husband and his wife.
(CHORUS)

Jamey-Thank you for being my husband and the man who makes my dreams come true. I don’t know how it’s possible but I love you more today than I did 4 years ago. I love that we still have our whole lives ahead of us. Here’s to you and me babe!

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October 18, 2003

(Unfortunately, I couldn’t find our wedding CD of pictures so this shot will have to do. This is one of those annoying things about living in an apartment…I never fully unpacked so it’s hard to find anything! Oh well…my smile might be a bit goofy but it definitely portrays how insanely happy I was…and thanks to James…still am!)

UPDATE: 2 more pictures…thanks Fran!!!

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The ever-inspiring Jimi Hendrix…

Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 7:21 pm (Big Business)

There’s a Red House over yonder
That’s where my baby stays
There’s a Red House over yonder, baby
That’s where my baby stays

Well, I ain’t been home to see my baby,
in ninety nine and one half days.
‘Bout time I see her,
Wait a minute something’s wrong here
The key won’t unlock the door.

Wait a minute something’s wrong baby,
Lord, have mercy, this key won’t unlock this door,
something’s goin’ on here.
I have a bad bad feeling
that my baby don’t live here no more.

That’s all right, I still got my guitar
Look out now . . .

I might as well go on back down
go back ‘cross yonder over the hill
I might as well go back over yonder
way back over yonder ‘cross the hill,
(That’s where I came from.)

‘Cause if my baby don’t love me no more,
I know her sister will!

~INTRODUCING~

red house photography

redhousephotography.com is coming soon to your computer…well, sooner or later. There’s a lot of work to be done…let’s see…still gotta buy the Mac, design the logo, design the website…so pretty much, you might want to count on later. On the quicker side of life…the Nikon D300 ships to me next month! ‘Bout time…

Oh, and thanks Jimi.

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37 things…but I could go on and on…

Tuesday, October 9, 2007 at 2:20 pm (Fun Times)

So…Sunday was James’ 37th birthday. I had planned on posting this then but I was too busy doing other little things to try and make his day special. So…since he left for Vegas today I now have plenty of time.

In honor of his birthday, I have decided to share 37 of the countless things I love about him. Any single men out there reading this…take note. This is how to make a woman fall in love. Everyday. For the rest of her life. Single women: expect no less.

Okay, here goes (in no particular order):

  1. the way he loves me
  2. he loves Jesus
  3. he puts family first
  4. he is a caregiver
  5. he talks in his sleep but REALLY thinks he’s awake
  6. he understands me
  7. his eyes
  8. his love of good food
  9. he makes me feel safe
  10. he’s proud that I’m his wife
  11. his laugh
  12. he loves kids
  13. kids love him
  14. he is romantic
  15. he is spontaneous
  16. the sweet way he laughs when I’m crying just because it’s what I do
  17. his heart is also mine
  18. he indulges my absolute love of surprises
  19. he thinks I am a fabulous cook (there’s no denying the truth here…)
  20. his excuse for hogging the bed is “I’m just trying to be close to you”…who can get mad at that?
  21. he can’t stand it when we’re apart
  22. he believes in me
  23. his spirit
  24. he is protective of me
  25. the man can grill a mean steak
  26. he thinks I’m pretty much the coolest chick ever…(again, can’t deny it)
  27. he likes to nap with me
  28. he does everything that he can to make me happy
  29. he insane knowledge of trivia…you don’t want to be opposing this guy in a trivia game…
  30. he takes care of the finances…I hate that stuff!
  31. he’s just a big kid at heart
  32. he is going to be one fabulous dad
  33. he works hard
  34. he’s goofy
  35. he loves that cat…no matter what else he may say
  36. he is the completion of me
  37. he knows my soul

James…thanks for being my Mr. Wonderful! Happy Birthday (again)!!!

Here’s a picture from after our dinner (yummy Carrabba’s) Sunday night. If only he wasn’t always so serious…

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Wanted:

Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 11:18 pm (Lessons Learned, Seriously?, She's baaack!)

one indestructible, impenetrable, everlasting, unfading coat of arms (literally). Main duties will include but not be limited to: covering my heart on my sleeve, guarding emotions on command, stopping tears before they begin welling in my eyes and the like. Sheer fabrics need not apply.

My tender heart. That’s the topic of the day. Why? you ask? Because, gosh darn-it! I’m sick of being so emotional!

Well, here goes. What do you want to bet I can’t even TYPE this without tearing up?

So, last week was a great success. I was able to welcome our newest niece, Leah Elizabeth into the world on Sunday. She is a beautiful girl and already seems to encapsulate the sweetness that a name like Leah suggests. I was able to spend some quality time with both her and our other niece Elenna (3). Therein begins the problem.

Anytime I am able to spend an extended period of time with my family I am truly overjoyed. My heart was full from this occasion and even though I missed James ever-so-much and was definitely ready to come home at the end of the week…it just wasn’t easy. My silly heart always seems to get in the way and once again I found myself in tears as I said goodbye to my family. As many times as I have been through this one would think I could handle it better. One would think wrong.

I prepared myself all week. This is no lie. While it is always hard to leave my family after any trip, it is especially hard after the birth of a baby; a baby I was privileged enough to help welcome into the world. When Elenna was born and I had to leave her the very next day, tears were more than flowing…they were flooding. Of course, the same could be said during her birth so maybe, I thought, it would be easier this time. This time, like with Elenna, I was present for Leah’s birth. And while it was just as much of a miracle as with Elenna, I didn’t cry this round. Of course, that could be due to the fact that she came so quickly there was no time for tears. I was focused on capturing her first breaths on camera and so my mind was a bit occupied. I didn’t mind this distraction in the slightest. I hoped it would be a forecast of things to come. Well, like in daily life, the forecast was wrong.

So, like I said, I had been preparing for my goodbye all week. “I will not cry. I will not cry” ran steadily through my mind. I constantly thought about how happy I would be to get home and see James. I thought about us having our own baby. I thought about anything other than actually saying goodbye.

[On a side note: I had my 10 year reunion this weekend and it was incredibly fun…much more than I ever had expected. It was great catching up with old friends and seeing where life had taken them. During one of our events a good friend mentioned something to me about how emotional and soft-hearted I’ve always been. Seriously? I had no idea what she was talking about. I’m a brick. house.]

Anyway, back to the story. So…the day arrives for me to say goodbye. I’d been holding Leah and playing with Elenna, trying to stretch the time out as much as possible but then, it was time to leave. As I stood up to say goodbye I felt it coming. Crap. It was getting to the point of no return. Waters were rising and would soon be spilling down my face. I was talking to my mom and sister and trying my best not to look at either of them because I knew that the moment I made eye contact, I’d be through. And so it happened. (and is happening all over again as a write this…told you) The tears began pouring and my jaw was straining under the pressure to keep from chattering. Interestingly enough, when I tried to tell Elenna goodbye she nearly gave me the cold shoulder. We learned a long time ago that she, like her aunt, despises goodbyes. However, she, unlike her aunt, has the right idea. She barely acknowledged my goodbye and kept her mind set on the task at hand. Playing. No tears. No long drawn-out hugs. It’s quick and it’s over. Rip that bandaid! Oh…what I could learn from her!

So…I shed my tears for a bit longer while I was in the car by myself and then my blubbering slowly came to an end. What a pain all of this is. My makeup (apparently here illegally) had decided to beat the INS and run south for the border. My contacts are had now begun to blur from all of my salty tears. (And seriously, if for no other reason than this, I need Lasik.) And my nose…so stuffy that breathing is becoming less and less of a reality. All of this because Jonna can’t seem to get control of her stupid emotions. ARGH.

I could go on and on but I think you’re getting the picture. In my world the breakdown is simple and looks somewhat like this:

emotions = pure evil.

I will leave you with this last thought. In Psalm 56:8 David writes about God collecting our tears in a bottle. While that my be true for most, I would venture to say that God has employed the use of a keg for mine. Cheers.

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