Nixon: Now More Than Ever

I know I’ve been absent from doing much worthwhile blogging lately. I feel that I should give you a little update as to why.

 In early December I ran out of my growth hormone shots only to find out that I was not going to be receiving any more from Eli Lilly. They changed their policy of eligibility and I no longer qualify. Insurance typically doesn’t cover this extremely expensive therapy. Washington DC is currently slamming this medication as well…though I’m sure this has nothing to do with the fact that athletes and others are abusing this treatment. Yes…implied sarcasm there. Trust me…given the chance I’d love to tell those abusers what their actions are doing for the rest of us that truly need the human growth hormone.

Anyway, I’ve been off the shots for a good month and a half now and it is definitely affecting me. While I feel like I’ve complained enough on this blog about my health, I just wanted to let you know that is where I am at. I am working on getting it through another company but the process is slow and frustrating. My father and sister are also dealing with this.

So-all that to say…don’t give up on me blogging. I have so many stories I’ve love to write about but my energy level, creative juices and inspiration are sorely lacking. Again…don’t think I’m complaining…I’m just updating.

If you would like to be of any assistance you can pray for me, as well as my dad and sister. You can also come clean my house. Your choice.

Okay. Time for a life update. Here goes.

Things are definitely better (praise God!). After a month of NOT being on any antidepressants it became clear that it was just not working for me. I tried. It didn’t work. Pass the pills.

I’m now taking Zoloft which is considered safe for use during conception, pregnancy and breast-feeding. And I’ve gotta tell you…I feel like myself again!

At first, I admit I kind of felt like a failure for not being able to do this without the meds. However, my father reminded me that a malfunctioning organ is not my fault and God knows my situation. He is sovereign in everything. How true!

Over the next few days I kept pondering on the fact that God knows exactly what my body requires. I eventually decided that as humans we look at things statistically. 1 in 10 women will have conception issues. 50% of marriages will end in divorce. Etc. Etc. However, we are NOT statistics to Christ and He does NOT deal with us in that manner.

God knows what each of us requires. In every way: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually…He knows. I could worry (but I’m not!) that taking an antidepressant might pose some risk to our future child but what good is this fretting going to do? Does God not know what my body needs to function? Is He not in control of “knitting” our baby in my womb to be the person He desires him/her to be? Absolutely. God will give us the child He has for us and no other. I am not a statistic of any drug company. I am God’s child and His will doesn’t have to follow our rules.

On the other front: it looks like James has landed a job. We haven’t got an official offer so I’m not going to say with whom but all signs are pointing to YES! Another praise Jesus! If this job does come through, he will be working for one of the top companies in the New Home industry. Their reputation precedes them. It would definitely be a move up! Hopefully, we’ll hear tomorrow. I’ll let you know.

We are also planning on going to Arkansas for another visit later this week. If James gets the position we are pretty sure he will start at the beginning of December so it gives us a little flex time, which is nice. Our last visit was good but it was too short and I just wasn’t feeling great. So…I’m very excited to go back. I think us gals might take a trip to Branson too…which I LOVE doing. And no…I’m not a member of the AARP. There’s just some really cool stuff there. I promise.

Although once…a few years ago, I did get an invitation to join the AARP. I found a gray hair that day too. I called my mom and asked her if she lied about the year I was born. She denied it. It was a bad day.

PS-the gray hair never came back. Phew.

PPS-I guess now that I’m feeling better I have to go back to the gym. Ugh.

PPPS-is my camera EVER gonna come???

Why am I sharing such intimate details on my blog? Why do I write about life’s many struggles? Why am I pimping my pen (or keyboard…whatever) and giving you the sordid details? One reason: it’s for you. Yes, you…shy girl…way in the back…

I look at life like this…God has given me an outgoing personality. He has given me a love for people and a heart for others. He has also given me trouble. Heck-He’s even promised me trouble (John 16:33) so what I do with it is ultimately up to me. Well…to ellude to a completely overused cliche’ (so SO sorry)…I DO like lemonade. Especially homemade. Pass the sugar, please.

So, with all that has been dealt to me I feel it would be a waste to monopolize it all. I clearly know that I am not one of the chosen ones who goes through struggles in this life…we all do. However, I do feel that in my case I am called to share these experiences with others. I have greatly benefited from others who have shared their life’s battles and showed their scars. I have learned from these brave people and appreciate beyond measure their openness. I want to follow in their courageous footsteps so that maybe…just maybe…I can live up to my life’s motto.

Tonight I really just wanted to share WHY I’m sharing SO much with you. Most of you readers are women. A good many of you have struggled through the same things I now am. I would be a fool for not seeking your advice and learning from your experiences. Others of you have not had these struggles but will. I hope to be an encouragement when that time comes. I hope you’ll look back and remember “Hey…if someone else made it through these times…I will as well.” And still others of you have offered your support and prayers. For that…words cannot express my gratitude. For that…I almost feel selfish for sharing. Thank you.

Well…get ready people, because I am about to unload on you. The last few weeks have been difficult at best and I feel that I am finally to the point of just laying it all out there. As you have probably figured out by now…I am not a shy person. I have no problem talking about life’s nitty-gritty aspects. If you have a problem reading about them…well…this post has been given a PG-13 rating for adult themes; main theme being life. Consider yourself warned.

So, as some of you may be aware James and I are ready to start a family. Fewer of you know that I have taken anti-depressants for the amount of time it takes to grow a teenager. For the past 12 or 13 years (somewhere in there) I have relied on these meds to give my emotions a sense of balance and normalcy. I believe it was in my sophomore year of high school that I started the meds after my family and I realized that I was battling some serious depression. Let me clarify one thing before we go too much further: my cause of depression is completely physical and unfortunately the only way to combat it is through medication. I don’t go to therapy and have never had the need for it. Please know that I am not trying to set myself above others; those for whom therapy is needed. I’m simply explaining the condition so that you can better understand it. My depression is hereditary and stems most likely from other health issues of mine (adult growth hormone deficiency, hypothyroidism).

Okay, back to my point. For the past 12 or 13 years I have been able to be the “real” me with the help of medicine. While I have switched antidepressants countless times during this period, NEVER have I been completely off of them. Until now. Those of you who have similar issues can probably guess just how fun my life is right now. A blast. Please-I love being an emotional wreck. Okay…perhaps not.

I started weaning off the meds a few weeks ago so that we can start trying for our family. And while there are medications out there that are considered “safe” to use during pregnancy, I am trying my best to go it without them. At least until we get past the first trimester. I want to make the best possible decisions for our child and if I can handle life without the antidepressants, well, gosh! I’m going to do it! Of course, like others who are trying to conceive, we have no idea how long it will take. BUT-I will tell you…after having to go through the horrible withdraws of getting off the medications…I’m going to stay off for as long as possible. Hopefully we’ll conceive quickly. Okay…let’s get a bit more specific about my life right now, shall we?

MY WITHDRAWAL

To all of you who once knew me. Yes, I’m still alive. No, I didn’t quit church or the gym. And yes, it is possible that the woman you saw who somewhat resembled me but heavier…it may have been me. Ugh.

So-let’s move through this quickly. I’ve been sick. Similar to having the flu…I’m tired (really exhausted. Anything earlier than about 1pm is getting up early), sick at my stomach, having hot/cold flashes, mood swings faster than any ride at Six Flags (God bless James, remember him in your prayers), and hunger to rival that of a third-world country. That my friends has been life for the past few weeks. These are the reasons that I have not returned your phone calls (sweet though they are), have not been at church (say “Jesus” and I’ll start crying, I promise) and haven’t been to the gym or to my training group (miss you girls). However, I have been seen on the junk food isle of the grocery store. You just gotta know where to look, folks!

Okay-so that’s seems like more fun than I need, right? No? Oh…okay. Let’s add to it.

THE DOCTOR’S PHONE CALL

A few weeks back (same time I started getting off the meds) I went to the OBGYN to get a check-up and talk about starting our family. Since I said that we were pursuing pregnancy the doctor automatically did blood work to check my various hormone levels. Okay, that’s nice. Let’s just make sure everything is in order. I really had no worries. My sister, who has almost identical health issues to me just had her second child. No problems with anything either time. I truly envisioned the same for me. Even though I have worried in the past that God was preparing me for infertility through my desire for adoption, I really didn’t think there was a chance I’d be infertile. I just chalked it up to being a normal woman’s fear. That’s normal, right? I mean, my life’s ambition has always been to be a wife and mother. Well…WHAM.

So, I got a call from the doctor’s office (it was actually the nurse) who asked me if I had talked to the doctor about a medicine called Clomid. “No, I have not but I do know what it is (it’s a medicine that helps women to ovulate when they don’t do it naturally. It has a horrible reputation of causing SEVERE mood swings. I figure I can produce those well enough on my own. I DON’T want any assistance, thank you very much). What are you telling me?” She proceeds to tell me that I’m not ovulating. WHAT? How can this be? My cycle is normal and near down-to-the-day predicable. Why am I even having one if I’m not ovulating? What a waste! Seriously…if I’m not ovulating, I don’t want a period! How unfair!

After hearing this (and remember, I’m already in a super emotional state from my lack of drugs) I lose it. I cry and cry and proceed to cry a bit more. Bless my husband’s heart, he does his best with me and I continue crying. Somehow I make it to the next day without flooding our apartment. On this day I call my mother and cry some more and she quickly reassures me that we are not in a place to worry yet. Labs can be wrong, tests can be done on wrong days etc etc. She definitely makes me feel better.

Okay, so now I’m to the point of “the doctor could be wrong…we’ll wait and see” and that is fitting me pretty well for the time being. I can get through this and will. Thus…I began praying for a miracle. You can pray too.

This was last week. Let’s keep going.

THIS WEEK

Tuesday morning comes and my husband received a call to go into work. It was his day off but his partner was sick so being the team-player that he is…he sacrificed and went in. About 2 hours later he is on his way back home from the office. For good. He was downsized.

Now, I could say a lot right here and probably get pretty nasty. But-I’m not going to. I could suggest some things that may or may not be true about his former company but I won’t. Mind you-it’s for his sake. Not because I’m exceptionally classy when it comes to things like this because to be honest…you mess with me, my family or my friends and I can get pretty rough. Not proud of it…I just know it’s true. I’m just loyal through and through. I defend those I love. It’s just part of me. But I won’t because he wouldn’t want me to. He’s got a maturity when it comes to situations like this that I have yet to possess.

Well, needless to say…this just elevated the stress level from orange to red. I don’t work so James is the provider; a great one at that. But life is interesting…I just ordered a bunch of photography equipment for the new business. Can’t cancel it because the supply and demand factor is too great. If I did cancel it now there is a chance I wouldn’t be able to get my hands on the stuff for another 6 months or so and I’m not willing to risk it.

So…one door has been definitively closed. Now we’re looking for the open window. And…we may have found it. The day after James was let go he received a call for an interview with a very well-known builder. He had sent in his resume on Tuesday…call came on Wednesday. That interview is happening today at 10:30 am. (It’s currently 1:30 am but I got the urge to write and couldn’t resist it. This is the first time I’ve stayed up late in weeks.)

What’s interesting is that for some time we’ve wondered if he should move on to a better company but really had no idea how business was going for other companies. He’s in new home sales so I’m sure you know what that means in today’s market. Well, it looks like God has decided that it is indeed time to move on and so that’s what we’re doing. Same industry, different builder. We simply pray that things progress quickly. A lot of times the interview process is rather long and drawn-out but we do know that God is in control.

SO WHAT NOW?

We may be heading to Arkansas tomorrow (today, really) after his interview to go and spend a few days with my family (Big YAY!). James hasn’t gotten to go up since Memorial Day since he normally works weekends and hasn’t met our newest niece Leah yet. We want to just get away and relax and leave all that is normal life in Texas for the weekend.

When we do get back I plan on posting some things that I’ve been meaning to for the past few weeks but haven’t felt up to doing. These include pictures of Leah (and Elenna, of course), pics from my 10 year high school reunion and a post dedicated to Don, Amie and PF Changs, complete with…you guessed it…more pictures! We’ll see what happens.

Anyway, thank you dear WordPress for providing me with an outlet to unburden myself while wasting away hours that should be spent curled up in bed next to my husband. And readers…if you’ve made it this far you’re to be commended. This was an overly long and drawn-out post and sadly…I gave you the reader’s digest (very) condensed version. And to top it all off…I’m not even going to proof it. I’m too tired. Mistakes will be corrected at a later date. Deal with it.

And now…I’m going to bed. Goodnight all.